Being an avid user of the internet, I find myself inundated with ‘relationship advice’ from all corners of the world. There is advice on how to ‘make someone fall in love with you’, how to keep your man/woman happy, and how to refresh a relationship that has turned stale. I know that when you are in an unrequited relationship, these tips seem to be invaluable, but what you should really be asking is this; if you are the only person putting in any effort, is your partner worth it?
I read about women who feel like they are losing their men and want to rectify it, using any means available to them. They break out the cookbooks, the good wine, the even better underwear, and work tirelessly at fixing their broken relationship. What they should be doing is looking inward at what they want, what they believe they deserve, and then standing up for themselves, gaining some pride and walking away. Easy? No, I know it isn’t easy, but why not? Why do we make ourselves feels so responsible for the feelings of others, when they place such little value on the way their actions make us feel? Maybe it is guilt, maybe a little pride, who wants to admit that they haven’t kept their partner happy, that they aren’t good enough? Let me tell you now – of course you are good enough! Just because it isn’t working, doesn’t mean the blame is on you. It also doesn’t mean it is the fault of the other party either though. This is where we go wrong. When a relationship is failing, knowing the effort we have put in, and how magical it was at the beginning, we seem to have an inert need to apportion blame. This causes anger, and also awakens a stubborn streak, causing us to refuse to accept the inevitable demise of the affection, replacing these feelings with anger and hurt. Sucks to be human right? You may be good enough; you just may not be the right one.
So how about we take a more practical approach to these relationships. There is apparently someone for everyone. How are we going to find the ‘One’ if we are constantly pursuing a relationship with the ‘Wrong One’? The answer is easy – YOU CAN’T.
Breaking up isn’t so difficult if you look at things from a more pragmatic view point.
So, you have enjoyed the dizzy magical beginning. This is hormones, excitement, endorphins, a need to show your best side, all great fun that can sometimes, and also a little prematurely, make you believe that you have found the ‘One’ and are in love. What happens when the honeymoon period finally ends? What happens when real life starts to seep in to the relationship? Seeing each other when you’re feeling down, when you’re feeling tired, when you’re sick and snotty? These are the times that you start to feel aggravated by certain character traits, when you find that their moral standards don’t quite meet yours or yours theirs. Should a relationship survive just because you started it, and don’t know how to end it? Of course not!!!!
We underestimate our instincts. A survival skill that we are born with, that we start to question as we grow older. We ignore the nagging feelings we have, and find ourselves to often saying ‘I knew I shouldn’t have done that’, but do we learn? Not really. It is good that we believe we know better than people sometimes, and often, if you pick the right argument, you do, but arguing with your own instinct is a disaster! We have evolved without losing this life skill; it is there for a reason. We know early on that something is wrong, so do one good thing for yourself, and LISTEN.
When something doesn’t feel right – it is a sure indication that it isn’t. Why stay and ultimately make things difficult in the future? You shouldn’t. Be kind to yourself; be kind to your lover who at this point is still a friend. Break up, it’s that simple. Breaking up really isn’t hard to do. Ending things at this point can be invigorating! It gives you pride, strength, and maybe even a good friendship that will last. The good points about that person haven’t gone, the reasons you got together are still there. Before those feeling turn to frustration, anger, or even worse, hate, re-evaluate things, and accept that having that person in your life as a friend is far better than losing them. Learn to have faith in yourself.
All you need to do is explain to your significant other, that yes, they are great, they are fun, you enjoy hanging out, BUT, long term, you know that they would drive you crazy, and not in the good way, so you would like to work on a friendship. The may accept this readily and be happy with your proposal. They may be a little less happy, and believe that you should be together. This is usually due to a knee jerk reaction attached to hurt pride. (In a clear state of mind, who would really want to be with someone that doesn’t want to be with them?) They will try to convince you to change your mind. But by agreeing with them, you are basically admitting that they know you better than you know yourself!!! How is this even possible? Answer: It isn’t! Don’t be a fool!!
Don’t be bullied, know yourself, trust and respect yourself, and breaking up really is easy.